Day 83 of 365: 2017 is my year of clarity, and has taught me…

Every year, I pick one or two words has the THEME for that year. My focus.

2017 is the year of Clarity.

Mostly I picked Clarity because I wanted clarity on how to make a shit pile of money doing what I love. Y’know, because that’s an easy answer.

UNIVERSE, MAKE IT CLEAR HOW I CAN BE AS SUCCESSFUL AS I WANT. NOW.

Believe it or not, that’s exactly what’s been happening, and not just monetarily. Relationally, physically, emotionally, professionally, financially… All of it.

But not in the way I wanted or expected.

It’s not as easy as:

all the answers
“HERE ARE ALL THE ANSWERS.”

Instead, it’s been like this:

shit answers.jpg
“HERE IS ALL THE SHIT IN THE WAY OF THE ANSWERS.”

Universe has given me clarity about old mental programming and limiting beliefs, which I had been using to hold myself back from my true potential.

bs limiting beliefs
(My goals want me just as much as I want them.)

I think a lot of this stemmed from being so smart growing up. Honestly, learning has always been easy for me. I love figuring stuff out, I love problem-solving, I love learning. This makes me seem naturally gifted in lots of things, when in reality I’ve had LOTS of interests… And pursued them… And studied them… And became pretty good at them.

Rather than being embraced for excelling, I was oftentimes made fun of or condemned, or held to an unfair standard because I was expected to excel all the time.

My bright light made people uncomfortable. So, in time, I let it make me uncomfortable.

And for years, I did my best to dim it. With drugs, alcohol, self-abuse, abusive relationships, working jobs I hated, an eating disorder, codependency, and the like.

In time, I got so far away from who I really was. I was a different person depending on who I was around. My goals shifted, my interests changed, and I suddenly morphed into who I thought that person wanted me to be.

Which is an exhausting way to live.

And meant I was surrounded by people who didn’t support my true self.

(Because I didn’t support my true self, so those were the folks I attracted.)

I’ve experienced many dark nights of the soul since then. Y’know… When life becomes so fucking painful that I scream as loud as possible: “LET ME LEAVE, GOD/UNIVERSE/WHOEVERTHEFUCK! WHY THE FUCK WON’T YOU LET ME LEAVE?!”

Because you have work to do, I typically hear in return.

(Cue: Mortal Kombat battle cry.)

mkscream.jpg

I feel like the deeply painful times are growing pains. The anger may be burning away limiting beliefs. The sadness may be drowning out the inner critic’s comments. And the growth is resulting in my outer shell breaking… and that shit hurts.

Each time I peel back a layer (HOW MANY ANALOGIES YA GONNA’ USE, JEN?!), it fucking hurts. And I shine brighter. Which is initially terrifying, and hurts my eyeballs a bit.

Eventually, I adapt. The new growth becomes my norm.

And inevitably, each stage of my transformation deters certain people… Some of whom I thought would always be in my life.

And that’s okay.

Rather than me having to logically figure out who to trust and not to trust, my growth and my dedication to self-actualization is naturally weeding out the folks who aren’t in alignment with me.

And a lot of times it’s really painful.

Sometimes the other person has ended the relationship/friendship/partnership, and other times I’ve done it. Nothing big or awful happened to spark it. No cheating or lying or anger. Just… recognizing that we’re no longer in alignment, and staying true to that.

We all tend to hold onto certain relationships and friendships, even when we know they’re not good for us.

My Year of Clarity has helped me knock that shit off.

Because I’ve learned that, when I let people go who I know aren’t healthy for me, it makes room for incredible stuff to happen (for me and for them).

So. Clarity.

Clarity.

What have I become clear on?

Turns out I had longstanding issues with: receptivity, commitment, success, being seen, allowing good stuff to happen, being true to myself, honest communication, truly listening, and celebrating victories.

What I was awesome at and ready for: rejection, letdown, pain, suffering, mean people, un-supportive people, accidents, series of unfortunate events, focusing only on the negative.

So this Year of Clarity has helped me shift that. It’s been a LOT of work. And it continues to be a challenge. I’m shifting from being terrified of what could go wrong to instead being positive about what could go right.

I’ve had to let go of these defensive B.S. beliefs around receptivity and vulnerability and success and commitment and honesty. (How? By deciding what I want my beliefs to be, and making decisions that reinforce these new beliefs.)

The result?
New friendships that are healthier than I could’ve ever imagined
A new relationships that is healthier and more fun than I could’ve ever imagined
Existing friendships becoming closer and more honest
Creative opportunities popping up all over the place
Money coming to me in expected and unexpected ways
Decreasing debt
Increasing bank account
Decreasing fear
Increasing love

Etc.

Now that I’m clear on what’s been holding me back, and got clear on how to remedy that, I’m experiencing the fruits of my labor.

And through this… Through the pain and the suffering and the confusion and the setbacks and the growth, I have become clear on one very important thing: how I want to feel.

And I make decisions that correspond with those desired feelings. And, by following these feelings, I am closer to my goals than I’ve ever been… And my world is fuckin’ expanding. (I’m reading and loving the following book… And I highly recommend it.)

the desire map.PNG

I still have another 3.5 months of The Year of Clarity.

Next year? I think I’ll go for EXPANSION. 😀

 

 

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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