Day 76 of 365: Breaking wide open.

Yes. 365 days of embracing the unknown and learning about chance and letting serendipity lead the ways sounds so FUN AND RAINBOWY.

glitter

IT IS ALSO THE MOST CHALLENGING TRANSFORMATION I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED.

Like… What. The fuck. Is happening. In my life.

I feel like I’ve been shot out of a cannon and am flailing around mid-air, preparing for a not-so-graceful landing.

And I’m getting bugs in my teeth and being hit by debris and my eyeballs are getting dry because I’m moving so fast and I have no idea where I’m going.

It’s like as soon as I said, “HEY UNIVERSE. TAKE OVER FROM HERE.”

Universe said, “WELL OKAY!”

(The amount of time I just spent searching for the appropriate gif is embarrassing, and is time I’ll never get back.)

So.

I’m grateful for this journey; I am.

It’s also breaking me wide open.

My shell cracks and expands, and I go into healing mode to repair it at its new capacity… And then it breaks again and expands again.

And so I’m sort of in this place of not repairing it.

Of allowing myself to be mid-air.

Of being in a nearly consistent state of growing pains.

Maybe the goal is to not have a shell?

To be wide open, and to fully experience life… The good and the bad…?

I have an amazing relationship with my body, where it communicates with me. When I ignore my soul and heart, it manifests as pain in my body. (Everyone has this, by the way. Not just me.)

And when I tune into this pain, it simply says: “Share.”

I do share, I say. I write my deepest feelings and thoughts and share with the world. I have zero filter.

“Share not from an intellectual place. Share not from the safety of your keyboard. Share in a human way. Show versus tell.”

So essentially, my heart and body are challenging and begging me to allow myself to be witnessed.

And not witnessed in my normal witty put-together glory. Not witnessed as my facade of Guru Jen, offering intuitive guidance and holding space… Or Therapist Jen, listening to people and asking questions and helping folks navigate their ouch… Or Brainy Jen, talking about neuroplasticity and using big words to feel and ideally sound smart.

I am experiencing a deep need to be witnessed for what is behind all of that. For my scarred and twisted and fucked up (in the most beautiful way ever) insides. Y’know. Think… Ugly cry with the weird noises and face liquids.

I logically know that being witnessed is one of the most healing things ever. I logically know this. But, after a lifetime of manifesting situations where I was reprimanded for showing emotion, it is a challenge to shift into a mode of allowing myself to be seen.

It’s, like, a PHYSICAL fear. It is physically terrifying.

And yet… In order to get the pain in my joints and organs to stop, I know it’s what I need to do. I know that I am holding emotional pain in my body rather than allowing it to flow freely, as energy does.

I KNOW ALL OF THIS.

The next step is action. We are defined by our actions, not our thoughts.

So. Here I am. Writing to you. Breaking wide open.

And, rather than hiding. Rather than contracting, I’m stepping forward… With my arms open. Fully exposed.

~J

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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