Day 72 of 365: wait. I can be pissed off AND still be spiritual?

Through 12-step programs and codependency work and Buddhist meditation retreats and reading lots and lots of spiritual texts, my interpretation of “being spiritual” and “being aware” was… Essentially…

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU, FORGIVE IT. LET IT GO. CHOOSE TO BE UNAFFECTED BY EVERYTHING. Recognize that not everyone is operating from your level of awareness and, as such, it is your responsibility to pick up the slack for them. Process what they may not be able to.

(also) EVERYTHING IS A REFLECTION OF YOU. If you have a judgment toward another, it is because you have the same judgment toward yourself.

IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TRANSMUTE NEGATIVITY. Don’t add to the problem by being negative. Always be positive. Always find the silver lining.

And so, in typical extreme fashion, I put this into 100% effect. If someone was rude to me, I would take the following steps:

  1. Breathe deeply and open my heart.
  2. Say something kind, or say nothing at all and instead offer non-judgmental ears.
  3. Hold space for their emotions; offer compassion and understanding. Clearly they are hurting and need to be heard. I’m honored to be the listener they trust.
  4. After leaving the situation, send them love and happy thoughts. Pray for them.
  5. If a judgment comes up about how much of an asshat they were, immediately recognize the ways am an asshat.
  6. Immediately make action steps on how I can be less of a selfish asshat. Because growth and awareness. And because everything is a reflection.

So… How did this turn out? Well, I have become a big, beautiful, non-judgmental emotional bucket with a sign that says “VOMIT HERE” on one side and “FREE TRANSMUTATION OF NEGATIVITY” on the other (except that side is in smaller font cuz’ there’s so many words).

And people flock to these signs.

“No matter how negative a room feels, it immediately feels better once you walk in,” I’ve had multiple people say to me.

I took that as a compliment. (And I still do, admittedly.) Good, I’d think. I’m doing my job as a spiritual being having a human experience. I am raising the vibration of the earth. Go me. Spiritual as fuck.

The fact that more than three of these interactions in one day drained me to the point of tears and exhaustion didn’t matter… Because I was doing the “right” thing.

I had my leaky silicone implants removed back in March. Prior to that, I experienced intense joint pain and lethargy, among many other ailments. After the surgery, I felt 100% better.

Until recently.

My joints have been hurting again. I’ve been sleepier. I’ve been having bouts of darkness that seem to have no real trigger.

And last week, I had an ovarian cyst rupture.

“Your anger needs to explode out of you somehow,” my therapist said, “and since you’re not releasing it emotionally, it’s impacting you physically.”

This fully resonated. I knew she was right. But I didn’t know the answer. How do I healthily process and release anger without, y’know, being un-spiritual? Without lowering the vibration of a situation or of the earth? Without being a selfish asshat (cuz’ I’m working hard to be less of this).

“You need to express your anger; I want you to tell me to fuck off if I’m annoying you,” Therapist continued.

GULP.

And so I’ve been practicing with her. I love therapy for that reason; it’s my safe space to practice humaning.

You see… I don’t realize I’m angry. Truly. When I let stuff go, I really do. Logically. Logically and intellectually, I release stuff.

And then I burn sage and do prayers and energy work to clear my energy.

So that takes care of the mental and energetic body.

But what about the emotional body?

A dear friend sent me this today:

teal swan quote

Spot. On.

I’ve had some wins that I’d like to share. I work with an awesome woman who also happens to be quite talkative. We have great conversations, and yet I sometimes feel like I can’t get a word in because she somehow talks nonstop without breathing. And so finally today, I was like, “DEAR GOD LET ME TALK. I CAN’T GET A FUCKING WORD IN” to her. I said it with love, and with a fireball of frustrated bitchiness.

I shocked myself saying it. Because… My normal state is to breathe deeply and continue showing up however that person needs me to.

But today, I stood up for myself.

AND IT FELT REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

Her response?

“Oh! I’m sorry. You’re right; I do that. Go ahead.”

And I’m like…

WAIT WHAT. I just expressed frustration and snapped on a person… And it turned out well?

You mean I don’t always have to wait until I’m in a balanced and calmed and meditative state to express my feelings via smart-sounding words and a soothing cadence? You mean I don’t have to always take care of other people’s feelings and watch out for landmines?

YOU MEAN I CAN BE AN ASSHAT?

WHAT IS THIS WORLD.

And then we chatted for a bit longer, and she was like: “You know, you’re always telling me ways I can improve. You never say anything positive to me. So I go home and feel like I’ve done a bad job with everything.”

And she wasn’t saying this in a negative or attacking way. She was expressing herself.

I felt all defenses melt away as I was overcome with deep gratitude for her honesty. Also, I felt compassion toward her because I treat myself the same way. I am pro at finding flaws (I can proofread stuff in my sleep. I’m the person who finds a spelling error in every menu.) and am constantly searching for my transgressions of a situation.

Yes, that man was disrespectful to me. How did I provoke him? How could I have handled it differently?

That’s how I live life. Or how I have been living life. In a constant state of improvement.

And there’s something beautiful about my ability to see both sides of a situation. I’m pro at helping angry person #1 see angry person #2’s side. I’m great at neutralizing situations by being like, “Hey dude. Here’s how you’re being a jackass. Here’s where they’re coming from.”

I’m great at calling people on their shit, including myself.

But life isn’t all about improvement. Life is about living. Life is about building people up, especially our individual selves.

I’m so glad this coworker mentioned something to me, because it was a loving bitch slap of an awakening. Of like…

Why on earth am I so hard on myself? And on others? What’s the point of that?

How about some freakin’ compassion? How about I put my chill panties on and allow people to be imperfect humans… Especially myself?

 

Allowance feels nice. It feels… Freeing.

~J

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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