Day 68 of 365: I am angry because…

Aaannndd the darkness continues.

Which is fine.

I decided to give myself the opportunity to release some of the anger I had maybe been carrying around with me.

I opened a word document and wrote about 5,000 words nonstop. I didn’t know I had that much anger in me.

I feel like I could write more.

I allowed myself to feel some of the anger, but certainly not all of it. It’s like my spiritual training often results in my spiritually bypassing my true feelings in an effort to be, like, awakened and loving and forgiving and aware and all that.

I’ll recognize I’m upset with someone, and immediately look at the reflection of what that judgment is toward myself. And then I’ll address it with myself and move on. Never allowing myself to, y’know, be pissed at another person for long.

It’s like everyone in my life gets a free pass that never expires.

I thought this was the most spiritual thing to do. I realize now, though, that there is a balance point. There’s always a fucking balance point.

The balance is in between spitting venom at people versus totally absorbing all of the ouchy feelings. The former is just emotionally poisoning others and not dealing with root stuff. The latter is giving everyone else permission to walk all over me.

I want to be loving and forgiving, while also not letting people fucking cross me. That’s the balance I’m searching for. How to enact strong boundaries and be just the right amount of bitchy without it, like, rippling outward and attaching to me as a form of karmic debt.

Like… When people do the passive aggressive thing, I tend to let it roll off my shoulders. Or if they say something hurtful, I’ll breathe into it and open my heart to them even more. If someone is an asshat to me in traffic, I’ll smile and send them love.

And honestly, this gets exhausting. I want to call people out on their shit like I used to, except maybe with more tact. I want to share when someone says something that is hurtful, while not causing unnecessary pain in the process. I want to be able to state my needs without feeling needy. I want to be okay with whatever I want today, and okay with whatever I want tomorrow… even though there’s a 54% chance that those wants will be totally different or even contradict one another.

I want to be free. So badly.

Or perhaps it’s that I want to recognize my inherent freedom. I want to become aware of it so I can chill the fuck out and enjoy the ride.

~J

 

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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