Day 54 of 365: Emotionally bare

I’ve tended to seek comfort being alone. When sad or vulnerable or hurting or scared, I’d find solace in my introvert time. I’d unplug for a few days, turn off all electronics, sit in the messiness, work through shit, come to realizations, and then take a shower, shave, do my hair, and turn my phone and electronics back on. Hello, World! I’m back with the Motivation and Inspiration you want of me!

Meanwhile, does anyone actually expect that of me? And even if they did, does it matter? I cannot single-handedly motivate or inspire or heal people. We all must find that within ourselves. I may help facilitate healing, but that’s done by being my authentic self in any given moment. It’s not done by being the way I think I “should” be. People should all over themselves enough as is.

I desire to help break this belief that our vulnerability and brokenness should be hidden. That we need to cover our scars and blemishes with makeup. That I should wear a bra to hide the fact that GASP I have nipples!

We live in a world where we are pressured to be smooth, and flawless, with nothing protruding (unless it’s tits or ass, and even those ought to be smooth and round)… When in reality, the world itself has sharp edges and is deeply flawed, with jagged pieces and shrapnel scattered about.

I’m finding out, slowly but surely, that beauty is in the scars I’ve worked so hard to hide. The tendencies I’ve worked so hard to retrain. The traumas I’ve worked so hard to release. The quirks and pet peeves I pretend not to have (or about which I’ll do deep breathing in order to survive). Beauty is in showing all of that to someone, and having them think you fuckin’ rock. I think maybe that’s what love is. Is accepting (or even adoring) someone at their worst and at their best. And having that acceptance come naturally.

When talking with a friend today about the fact that isolating has always been the comfort-zone and yet I now find myself desiring company, even in my messy pre-figuring-stuff-out zone, WHICH IS REALLY INCONVENIENTLY UNCOMFORTABLE, he said: “I think you’ve just always found safety in yourself and what you know. Explore what you’ve never experienced. Live outside of your mind and take what the molecules and energy brings to your gravitational pull.”

And it sort of rocked my world. He also said, “Yeah. There’s that whole Jen the control freak thing. Just let that go and allow it to flow. It’s hard but life will be better for it.”

And I don’t know why or how, but that sentence mixed with the song I had playing was the perfect cocktail to tickle out some tears that have been patiently waiting behind my eyes for a few days now.

And then he sent me a gif of a bear playing with his wiener, which really topped off the moment.

Embracing the unknown and learning about chance/happenstance/serendipity was supposed to be EASY, DAMNIT. ONLY GOOD STUFF WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. (I just laughed at myself.)

I’m finding that even good stuff-and some of the best experiences-can actually be painful. It’s like we have to break our hearts in order for them to grow bigger and wider.

Today I have been in a somber mood, and I spent my afternoon melting into my chaise lounge. That is my comfort zone. Turning my phone off and sitting in sulk-land until I can make sense of it all and come out on the other side an awakened woman.

And yet, I find myself wanting company. Specific company. And that is something I’ve never experienced. I’ve never been like, “Man I feel shitty and confused and bloated; I sure want to be around another human.”

But. Since I’m doing this whole embracing the unknown BULLSHIT (I’m smiling as I write that), I guess I’ll see where this takes me. So… Without showering or changing out of my PJs, I am going to go sit in my messiness with another human.

I want to have a temper tantrum.

temper tantrum.gif

I had no idea that my journey would lead me here, to more one-on-one vulnerability. I thought I’d grow in a way where I could impact more people. Maybe that’s still what this is. I don’t know…

All I can do is trust my intuitive guidance. And right now, when I tune into my Inner Wisdom, it says:

“Get up, splash some cold water on your face, and go. Be uninhibitedly yourself. Allow people to show up for you the way you show up for people. Your mind tells you it isn’t a big deal and that you can handle it alone. Gently set that belief aside. The objective depth or intensity of your feelings is irrelevant. It’s all about how you feel and what you’re experiencing. Whether it’s over spilled milk or a scary diagnosis, your emotional state is valid and deserves to be witnessed. There is no greater gift you can give another than to show up, emotionally bare.

Oh. Great. Yea. That sounds fun.

Pushing through resistance,

Jen

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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