Day 27 of 365: avoidance, synthesis, and diving in

A professor came to me in a dream last night. I’d never met him before, and yet he felt familiar. He returned a book of my poetry to me. I expected an A. Instead, he told me to redo it. He said he could tell it was rushed, and that it needed more color. There was hardly any color.

“So I need to write about colors? Incorporate them into the poetry?” I asked while I thumbed through the pages. They were thick, like handmade recycled paper, and the writing was mostly in white ink, difficult to read.

He shook his head no. And then pointed to my heart. “This.”

And then he turned and walked away.

When I awoke, I felt grateful to this professor. He was right. I have been rushing my writing. I have been focusing on just getting it done already. On quantity over quality. I haven’t been sharing truthfully, from my heart. I’ve been skipping over that stuff, afraid it wouldn’t fit in with the theme of this blog.

Which is silly in hindsight, because this blog is all about embracing the unknown and writing about it. There’s not a subject that wouldn’t fit under that umbrella, really, so long as it’s based in Love… And the unknown.

I’ve been dancing with Avoidance lately. Not in a close, intimate way. More so like an awkward elementary school dance where our hands are on each other’s shoulders and we won’t make eye contact.

school dance.jpg

What have I been avoiding? Growth, honestly.

I have made a handful of huge changes in my life since the beginning of this 365-day journey of embracing the unknown. These changes shifted the trajectory of my life, closer into alignment. It feels like I left the outskirts of the river and am moving closer to the middle, where the current is stronger.

The current felt so good on my skin, so cleansing to my spirit, and so WTF can we slow the fudge down so I can plan my next step fast. As such, I grabbed ahold of a few rocks. This kept me “safe” and still, while my body still felt the pull of the river’s momentum.

The phrase “just the tip” comes to mind, which makes me smile. It’s one of those things where it’s like… TOUCHING the goods but not being fully immersed.

Yea, the penis analogy works. ::self high five::

I have grown close to the study of feng shui over the last couple years. Before I moved to my parents’ house, I was renting a 2,000-square foot home that was perfectly feng shui-ed. I had everything balanced and flowing and I loved the set-up.

Granted, I was isolating and lonely and the rent payment was ridiculous. Also, toward the end of my lease is when I was getting really sick from the Breast Implant Illness, so I was mostly moping around, sleeping, and not able to work enough consistent hours to pay bills.

So moving to my parents’ house has been amazing. Like… I honestly have no intention of leaving. I think I’ll travel instead, and have this as my home base until I get married or decide to settle in some way (or not).

It’s about a 350-square foot area, though. Quite a change from what I’d grown accustomed to. I have a room, bathroom, hallway, and studio for painting. My parents call it my “tiny house,” and I love it so much that I’ve adopted the phrase.

Even though I got rid of a LOT of my stuff (trash/donation/some selling), my tiny house was still cluttered. Disorganized.

Right after surgery (of having the leaky gross breast implants removed), I was feeling so much better than I suddenly had a fire under my ass to get my feng shui on! (Can I call it jeng shui? Is that too cheesy?) (I like cheese.) And I worked on EVERY section (living spaces are divided into 9 sections called “baguas,” each of which represents a different area of life.) except… CAREER/LIFE PATH.

baguas tiny house

And what’s the one thing I’ve been all “I DUNNO HOW I’M GONNA GET FROM WHERE I AM NOW TO WHERE I WANNA BE” and “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS” and “HOW WILL I MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO SURVIVE THROUGH MY ART AND INTUITIVE WORK” about? MY CAREER, FOLKS.

And so finally… I took the plunge. I gutted the area (which was crowded and cluttered with mostly trash), threw away lots of junk, organized everything left, and then my dad even jumped in and started helping!

My career bagua is half in my room, encompassing my desk, and half in my studio. The studio takes up half of the garage space. And the lighting in there leaves much to be desired. There’s a motion sensor light that only lasts about five minutes… So I’d start painting, get in the flow, and then the lights would shut off.

My pops installed two overhead LED lights that are perfect.

Let’s look at the reflections here.

My career/life path [bagua] was cluttered, messy, confusing, and dimly lit.

Now it’s organized, focused, and bright!

SO I MEAN. SHIT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN. IT IS HAPPENING. BIG STUFF.

I’ve received a lot of clarity on how to incorporate all of my intuitive stuff (reiki, channeling, intuitive communication) with my art stuffs (painting, drawing, writing) and feng shui.

SYNTHESIS.

I’ve received clear guidance on how to move forward and Avoidance is over there beckoning me to do the cupid shuffle. Tempting. So tempting.

Taking care of my career bagua and organizing my outer world has already helped clear the clutter in my inner world. Next step is to make the adjustments on my website, and then… Tell people. UNLEASH THE EXCITEMENT.

It feels scary to think of leaving my old life behind. But a good kind of scary. Like when you’re watching a scary movie that you know is gonna’ end with the good guys winning.

Cheers to the unknown.

jen

 

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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