Day 25 of 365: fantasies and realities

I’ve been on a journey of self-allowance for quite some time now, and each day brings new surprises.

What I mean by “self-allowance” is that I’m learning to accept myself, in all my glory.

And, since I kept feelings/desires/fantasies hidden for so many years, I must first focus on allowance. Allowing those aspects of myself to come forth. Then I can shift into acceptance mode.

It’s as though I’m testing the waters with myself.

HEY JEN.
Yes, Jen?
HERE IS A TABOO THING I THINK AND FEEL.
Oh my, how interesting! Tell me more.
AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT?
No. I accept whatever you have to say. I’m mostly just curious.
OH.

(Pause)

HEY JEN.
Yes, Jen?
I’VE ALSO THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT THIS OTHER THING. IS THAT BAD?
Of course it’s not bad! They’re just thoughts. Everyone is entitled to opinions and preferences. Nothing to be ashamed of.
BUT WHAT IF IT’S NOT NORMAL.
What is “normal”, really?

(Pause)

HEY JEN.
Yes, Jen?
IT WOULD MAKE ME MOST HAPPY IF WE COULD TREAT OUR-SELF WITH THIS VERY SPECIFIC AND RANDOM TREAT.
Really? Okay! I had no idea that was something we liked.
OH YES, VERY MUCH. I WAS JUST AFRAID WHAT YOU’D THINK IF I TOLD YOU.

(Pause)

Hey, Jen?
YES JEN.
Is there anything else I don’t know about myself–er… us?
OH YES. SO VERY MUCH.
Like what?
FOR STARTERS, WE HAVE NO INTEREST IN WATCHING STAR WARS, AND THE FACT THAT THIS UPSETS PEOPLE PLEASES US.
Well that makes sense. Tell me more; I want to know everything.
REALLY?! SQUEE!

I’m learning that I’m not at all who I thought I was. This is amazing news, because my self-image was limited and limiting and frankly pretty demeaning at times.

My love for myself was contingent upon specific accomplishments, making money, being thin, and wearing kickass 6-inch stilettos that smooshed my toes together but made my butt look fabulous.

I used labels like perfectionist, addict, codependent, depressed, eating disorder, etc.

Now… I think I’d describe myself as… Curious, creative, determined, and expansive.

Can you feel the difference in those set of words? I can. The first feels contracting and almost sticky. The second set feels… free. Like the fence has been removed and there’s endless landscape to explore.

I’m now experiencing true unconditional love and acceptance for, quite possibly, the first time in my life.

And I don’t think I’d be having this expansive + explosive experience if it wasn’t for this 365-day journey of embracing the unknown.

Here are some yummy treats I’ve found while traversing the unknown:

-My New Friend, Unconditional Acceptance
-The Ability To Be Fully Honest, No Matter What
-Endless Creative Juices
-A Balance Between Selfishness and Selflessness
-A Healthy Relationship with My Body
-Comfort in Stillness with Myself
-Underlying Desires and Fantasies
-And more!

I recommend that everyone gives this a try, if only for one day. (Ideally for all the days… But even if you start with one.) Just wake up and say: Universe (or God or Oprah or whatever you pray to), show me what to do, show me where to go, show me what to say, and to whom.

And then listen. Listen for the intuitive pulls toward people, places, and things that aren’t normally a part of your day-to-day.

And, once you start following those intuitive pulls? Amazing stuff starts happening. Like… Mind-blowing, feels-like-you’re-in-a-movie type of stuff.

Looking forward to tomorrow while enjoying right now,
jen

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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