Day 19 of 365: divorcing illusions of grandeur

Have I mentioned that this 365 days of embracing the unknown + writing about it journey is sort of rocking my world?

It is.

And it’s only day nineteen. Gulp.

Part of me wants to beat myself up about not posting a doodle for yesterday’s blog entry. BUT JEN. EVERYONE LOVES YOUR DOODLES. THAT’S WHAT IS MOST POPULAR.

And I’m like, Well okay. That’s fine. But if I’m not in the mood, I’m not in the mood. There doesn’t have to be a set STRUCTURE or rules for how these posts go. I could write a 300 word post only consisting of the word “poop” over and over, and it’d still be just as much of a post as the previous.

So, this brings me to where I am now. Again, feeling too tired to make any new doodles today. Though I will give you a sneak peek at one of the main characters in the doodle book I’m creating:

fear

This is Fear, a close relative of The Big Snooze, mentioned in Day 13’s post.

When I spend 2-6 hours in a day creating doodles and writing, it feels less exciting to doodle for these PM entries. Which is fine. Ebbs and flows.

OK. TO THE REAL POINT. ILLUSIONS OF GRANDEUR.

I have yet to fully incorporate whatever lesson this is… So I can only tell you what I’m feeling.

I’m feeling grief. I feel as though I am grieving my ego-driven goals and this ideal I had of how important I was… And how important I wanted to be to everyone else.

What I’m realizing, though, is no one gives a shit.

Now–I’m not saying this in a sulky, victimizing way. I’m being real.

Everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to actually care what I do or don’t do.

I’ve had this mindset since I was a kid that it was, like, up to me… To save the world… Or something. Like I was the Neo of this land.

NO PRESSURE, JEN.

And now I’m thirty. And it’s not to say that I’m old or that I need to give up on my dreams or anything. I just know that my mindset of “I MUST WIN XYZ AWARDS AND MAKE ABC AMOUNT OF MONEY BY THE TIME I AM THIS AGE” approach just isn’t working. And it constantly feels like I’m working toward something rather than enjoying what I have right meow.

And I logically know that letting go of this control is what would actually help me toward a life of awards and financial freedom. Which is why I manipulatively (jenipulatively) embarked on this journey in the first place.

LET ME RELINQUISH CONTROL BECAUSE THAT’LL GET ME WHAT I WANT EVEN FASTER.

confused dog

I was kind of missing the point. ON THE RIGHT TRACK, THOUGH.

So. The logic is now integrating on a deeper layer. All of these masks are falling away… These guards I held up. This weight of unrealistic expectations. It’s all crumbling. And I’m learning and truly understanding that I am nowhere near as important as I thought I was… and I’m also entirely more important than I ever thought I was.

My importance and my worthiness and my, like, VALIDITY as a human being has nothing to do with how many awards I have when I die. Or how many people have read my work. Or whether or not I bought that beach house I (AND EVERYONE ELSE) wanted since I was a kid.

The real success is enjoying life even if I don’t have those things.

If I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t be like “DAMNIT I WISH I HAD WON MORE AWARDS FOR SHIT. I WISH I HAD WORKED HARDER.” (At least I hope I wouldn’t be like that. 3% of me may. The rest wouldn’t.)

I’d more than likely react with, “Wow, I took myself way too seriously. I made life exhausting, and made it out to be work when, in reality, it’s meant to be a choose-your-own-adventure GAME. I wish I’d sat and done nothing more. I wish I’d smelled more things, tasted more foods, taken more risks, and learned the name of more bugs.

AND JUST THEN AT THAT VERY MOMENT, Earl the cockroach scurried across my floor. I saved him and gently placed* him outside.

*flung him while screaming

GOOGLE TIME.

:googles spiritual significance of cockroach:

Cockroaches are true survivors. They teach how to go with the flow and adapt to your surroundings to survive.

Oh, Earl. You show-off.

Also… As Cockroach scatters into the darkness when the lights go on, are you perhaps isolating yourself from the light of others? Or if you have been in the limelight, Cockroach may be warning you to step back and gain a new perspective within yourself. You may have overlooked some hidden resources.

That’s how I’ve felt. Not that I’ve been in the limelight or anything… but that I’ve been pushing with full force with this intellectual readiness without truly having a strong foundation.

I feel like it’s time to pull back a bit. It’s time to stop rushing my projects JUST SO I CAN PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT I AM MAKING PROGRESS.

I’m really trying to prove to myself that I’m making progress.

JEN. YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. RELAX. PUT YO CHILL PANTIES ON. WEAR YOUR JAMMIES IN PUBLIC. SPEND A WHOLE DAY SLEEPING. COLOR SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE.

Life isn’t so damn serious. And it’s not up to me to solve anything. The whole world isn’t on my shoulders.

And maybe I should feel relieved. And I’m sure I will, in time. Right now, though, I feel a little sad. I just watched the new King Arthur movie and part of me is like “I WANNA BE THAT. I WANNA BE LIKE HIM.”

So… A hero… In a movie.

But we’re each in our own movie of sorts, right? I guess I just gotta’ be my own hero.

That was cheesy and I LIKE IT.

~J

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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