Day 17 of 365: Why I’ve killed so many plants.

My mom has what they call a green thumb, meaning she can grow all the things.

I used to joke that mine was pitch black, like frost bite.

I killed plants that were supposed to be hearty and able to withstand even the worst plant-parents.

My poor plant-parenting skills are closely related to why I was not a great server.

I WON’T LEAVE SHIT ALONE.

With a plant, I’d almost always over-water it, or move it too frequently and put it into some kind of shock. When waiting tables, I’d check on people about 4x as often as I probably should have. This resulted in poor tips.

AND I WAS SO CONFUSED.

WHY ARE YOU DYING, PLANT? I AM LOVING YOU SO MUCH. IS IT CUZ’ YOU’RE THIRSTY? HERE I WILL HELP.

WHY ARE YOU TIPPING 15%, FAMILY? I MADE SURE YOUR DRINKS DIDN’T GET LESS THAN 1/8 LOW AND I ASKED IF YOU NEEDED ANYTHING 1,001 TIMES. CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING BEFORE YOU GO?

The lesson here (and across most aspects of my life) is to LEAVE SHIT ALONE.

Just leave it alone, Jen.

I’ve expended a lot of energy throughout the course of my life… On forcing my will onto people and plants and situations.

I was trying to BE GOOD and WORK HARD. To show the Universe I wasn’t a lazy ass!

But… Um… I could stand to adopt a bit of laziness, to be honest.

You know what I’ve noticed? When I’m on vacation, even if it’s a staycation, AMAZING SHIT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE. Articles published, book sales up, getting 50 new followers. This is the type of shit that happens when I am NOT suffocating it with my will and my want and my overactive puppet fingers.

So I’m learning to incorporate the vacation mindset all the time. I’m learning that not everything has to be done TODAY and that taking time to relax actually allows my brain time to, well, relax. And rest. And recharge.

I AM LEARNING THAT LIFE ISN’T THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

Like, it’s rad. And there’s a lot that can be accomplished.

But even if I don’t accomplish these things, the world is still gonna’ be fine. It is not my sole responsibility to write books that reach millions and help lower the rate of suicidality.

I CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. (Dangit.)

The only thing I can control is myself. AND THAT IS A HARD ENOUGH JOB AS IS, I TELL YOU WHAT. — Even with this, though… The less I try to control myself and the more I ALLOW myself, the more my life expands into this infinite flow.

This has been tough for me to grasp. My logical/mathematician brain is like…

brain math

Alas, this seems to be the case for me. Less = more.

Taking action is still important, obviously. I don’t expect my dreams to come true without me doing the work (How will I reach people with my writing UNLESS I write?).

The key for me is to take action, and then trust that the ripple effect is happening. Rather than trying to plan eleventy steps ahead, I need to instead focus on THIS CURRENT STEP.

It’s like with chess; my next move unlocks LOTS of next moves, and those unlock the possibilities for the next, and so on.

I’m pretty grateful, to be honest, that my lessons in this life seem to be

  1. STOP WORKING SO HARD.
  2. HAVE MORE FUN.
  3. CHILL THE FUDGE OUT.
  4. DO THINGS YOU WANT RATHER THAN TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE.

I’d much rather this over having to learn to become a driven human. I’ve got the drive… Now I’m learning to let the engine idle a bit, so I don’t overheat and burn out…

OR SO I DON’T KILL ANYMORE PLANTS.

R.I.P. 20+ plants I’ve accidentally suffocated.

~J

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Sometimes I write about happy things. Other times I write about sad things. Either way, there will be doodles.

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